The Ultimate Drinking Team Mock Draft Results are In!

The NFL draft has arrived and teams are attempting to draft the best possible prospects, but one draft goes unnoticed. What about the ultimate drinking draft? I have created a replica NFL first round mock draft while teams choose their ultimate drinking prospects.If you were starting your own ultimate drinking team who would you select with your first pick?

This is not a ranking, but a draft. Every NFL team has different rankings for prospects. Each team makes their pick while I critique the prospect selection. There will be some obvious picks, some surprises, and some straight head scratching. Prospects are not only chosen for their ability to drink, but many traits that makes a great drinking teammate. You need to have tolerance, skill, endurance, experience, smarts, and of course a dedication to drinking. All of these prospects contain some of these traits, but not all. This first round will shape these NFL teams for the future in the drinking arena. The games these prospects must excel at are beer races, beer pong, flip cup, quarters, kings, shotguns, and the list goes on. Unfortunately the Washington Redskins and Indianapolis colts have no first round pick. This will hurt their franchise moving forward, but there will be plenty of quality drinking prospects available in later rounds. The first round will simply be the best of the best. The Houston Texans are now on the clock with the first overall selection in the ultimate drinking draft.

1. With the first overall selection the Houston Texans select….

Animal House

John “Bluto” Blutarsky spent the 7 years of his college career training for this day. A worthy first overall pick because while others spent free time studying, Bluto spent it drinking. This is the type of player you build a franchise around. A perfect blue chip player for any team looking to out drink the field.

2. With the second overall selection the St. Louis Rams select…

Old School

Frank the Tank was meant to party. He was bred to be a difference maker. He tried leaving the party scene only to realize it was his true calling. His talent stands above others and he comes from a great family blood line of drinkers with his identical twin brother a possible later round pick.

3. With the third overall pick the Jacksonville Jaguars select…

Billy Madison

The Jaguars are taking a chance on a young player here. He had to go back to school to complete some unfinished credits to become eligible for this draft, so he’s a risky pick, but there is no denying his talent with drinking as his life long hobby. The Jaguars can build around Billy so let’s just hope he can stay focused.

4. With the fourth overall pick the Cleveland Browns select….

American pie1

The younger players are coming off the board early. There is plenty of untapped potential with these early picks. The Stiffmister believes he is the best player in the draft, so let’s see if he can deliver on his promise.

5. With the fifth overall pick the Oakland Raiders select…

Van Wilder

This is another young player booming with potential. It took Van Wilder awhile to figure things out in college, but I think those issues are behind him. What you have now is a determined young man looking to out party and out drink any one in this draft.

6. With the 6th overall pick the Atlanta Falcons select…


Allen comes as a reach for me. I know the Falcons love what he brings to the table, but he’s simply unpredictable. He could end up being the best player in this draft or a guy no one will ever remember.

7. With the 7th overall pick the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select…


Homer is an all american with a long pedigree and well documented drinking résumé. You know what your getting with this player. A player who won’t give up until he’s lying face down on the ground. He’ll need to cut down on his bad decision making, but he’s up to the challenge. He could turn any casual drinking game into a night you’ll never forget and never remember.

8. With the 8th overall pick the Minnesota Vikings select…


Some people find this player to be a bit too soft, but I think the top 10 is exactly where he belongs. Partying and drinking doesn’t seem to phase Ted too much and he a very loyal teammate. He instantly makes this team better.

9. With the 9th overall pick the Buffalo Bills select…


This is a huge steal for a long struggling franchise. The Denver Broncos attempted to make a huge trade up in this scenario, but the Buffalo Bills could not pass up this rising star. Randy has been known to have a wild personality, which may have scared some teams off, but Randy is easily a top 5 talent. This is great value.

10. With the 10th overall pick the Detroit Lions select…

Charlie Always sunny

This is one of the real wild cards of this draft. A true boom or bust prospect. He has always the qualities to be a big time drinker, but his tape is very inconsistent and you never really know what to expect.

11. With the 11th overall pick the Tennessee Titans select…



I didn’t see this pick coming, but Hagrid does have the ability to out drink anyone in the field. He tends to make poor decisions when letting alcohol get the best of him. He’ll be new to a lot of the drinking games, but nothing this giant can’t handle.

12. With the 12th overall pick the New York Giants select…

Jack Black

Not a well known player, but Lance really rose up people’s board after the combine. He is a player willing to do anything for his team. He’s electric and knows how to light the fire under a team (Unfortunately he lit a library on fire in the off season and is still under investigation). He’s not the smartest player in this draft, but he’s dedicated himself to drinking and partying.

13. With the 13th overall pick the St. Louis Rams select…

Early Cuyler

I love both of these picks for the Rams. Early Cuyler is not well known to all fans, but his talent is unmeasurable. A true throw back whisky drinker who knows how to handle himself. This is exactly the draft the Rams needed to return to the promise land.

14. With the 14th overall pick the Chicago Bears select…


This iron individual was not going to make it out of the top 15. He fuels himself on a dedication to drinking. I don’t know if anyone else in this draft drinks more, but he does come with some baggage and off field issues.

15. With the 15th overall pick the Pittsburgh Steelers select…

Peter Griffin2

This pick is a great fit for the Pittsburgh Steelers. A tough nosed blue collar worker who knows how to take a hit. The Rooney’s have some strong Irish blood and they go with a fellow Irishman in Peter Griffin.

16. With the 16th overall pick the Dallas Cowboys select…

Neil Patrick

Jerry Jones likes to make a splash on draft draft and he got his flashy personality in Neil Patrick Harris. He’s unpredictable and really gets around. Dallas will love his big personality and he brings his own playbook on game days.

17. With the 17th overall pick the Baltimore Ravens select…

Tommy Boy

Ravens add a much needed big body to their team. A very solid pick and true team player with a never quit attitude. He may have a tough time fitting in the jersey, but a pick that can help this team for the future.

18. With the 18th overall pick the New York Jets select…

Aldous SNow

Aldous Snow’s personality will fit right in with this big city. It is also easier for him to visit the UK from New York. He took a long hiatus from the drinking game, but he is back and better than ever. A big time pick for the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets.

19. With the 19th overall pick the Miami Dolphins select…

How high

With Silas we have our first ivy league player coming off the board. I personally had Silas much higher on my draft board, but teams were scared off after he failed multiple drugs tests. If he can stay away from any more failed tests he will be a special player in this league.

20. With the 20th overall pick the Arizona Cardinals select…

Kenny Powers2

Kenny Powers is an interesting pick. He’s not much of a team player, but he does have the talent to lead a team. As long as he keeps the club house problems to a minimal he could be a steal at this point in the draft.

21. With the 21th overall pick the Green Bay Packers select…


Beer strength would be an understatement. Another nice fit for a team needing to get stronger in the drinking department. Being green is just an added bonus.

22. With the 22nd overall pick the Philadelphia Eagles select…

Karen Will and Grace

What?! No one saw this pick coming. She didn’t even make my top 50 prospects. Philly fans aren’t usually happy, but the boos have been well heard. I’m not saying Karen can’t be a special player, but I think she could have been had in later rounds. We know she can drink, but can she hold up for the longer intensive drinking games? Only time will tell.

23. With the 23rd overall pick the Kansas City Chiefs select…


This may be a reach at this point, but plain and simple Jordan Belfort is a play maker. He goes above and beyond just drinking. He can turn nothing into something. These are the players you take a chance on because of the upside they can bring to the playing field.

24. With the 24th overall pick the Cincinnati Bengals select…


Nick is another player with untapped potential. He tried his luck in law school, only to be drawn back to the things he loves most, drinking. This is where he belongs and his talent shines brightest in the game True American. He is only scratching the surface of a true all American drinking partner.

25. With the 25th overall pick the San Diego Chargers select…

Ron Bugundy

Stay classy San Diego because you got your man. This home town kid kept sliding on the draft board and no team could be happier.

26. With the 26th overall pick the Cleveland Browns select…


I love the Browns first pick, but this has fans scratching their heads. Dumbledoor was projected to go much later in this draft. I believe Dumbledoor’s power could benefit the city, but he’s well past his prime. Maybe the Browns catch lightening in a bottle, but history has not been good to the city of Cleveland.

27. With the 27th overall pick the New Orleans Saints…

Al Bundy

Al Bundy is a bit of a reach at this point, but it’s not a horrible pick. He won’t take the league by storm, but he’ll drink what is necessary. We’ll see if he can keep up with the younger prospects selected.

28. With the 28th overall pick the Carolina Panthers select…

Woody Catching Fire

Haymitch is one of the dark horses in this draft. He has truly battled all elements and has shown he is a true winner. He tends to go overboard, but a sure talent to snag toward the end of round one.

29. With the 29th overall pick the New England Patriots select…


The Patriots get one of the steals of the draft with another home town guy. They did their scouting and weren’t going to let a local talent head to another city. Great fit and great pick.

30. With the 30th overall pick the San Francisco 49ers select…


This already strong team get’s even stronger. Stronger is an under statement because this super individual can handle his drinks and no one will mess with him…ever.

31. With the 31st overall pick the Denver Broncos select…


This young gunslinger is very young, but could be a real difference maker for the future. He’ll need some coaching, but he know’s how to drink and knows how to party. Those are the intangibles needed to be a future hall of famer.

32. With the 32nd overall pick the Seattle Seahawks select…


The Super Bowl champs get a steal at the end of the draft. Diddy knows how to handle any circumstance and knows how to play mind games with the opponent. Seattle will be a strong team once again especially with Diddy mind fucking his opponents.

This is how the first round shapes up. Share your top prospects with us and @minnomike


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